When Children Rebel

As parents, we often feel like we have failed. Our precious little ones, who were often mostly obedient, become teenagers, and it's like they become possessed by some foreign enemy. Our once compliant child or children are now rebels without a cause!

With the exception of those few teenagers who dance through life with the rare symptoms of joy, laughter, fun, and respect, most teenagers catch the Jekyll and Hyde disease where one moment they are the loving child you raised - seemingly perfect, engaging, and a pleasure to be around - to an evil monster who gets offended when you even look at them, let alone (God forbid) you ask them a question. They seemingly enjoy annoying their parents and testing their limits, while accusing their parents of being the cause of all their problems.

I used to think I was the only one who felt like all the invested time and education, installment of morals, and promotion of godly values were completely flushed down the toilet and wasted forevermore once my children began to display their rebellious attitude.

I often watch families with seemingly perfect children, and wonder, "How in the world did I get it so wrong?" I have read countless parenting books from world-renowned experts. I have interviewed tons of other parents, listened to numerous podcasts, studied God's word on parenting, and prayed with sweet agony for God to fill in the gaps and make up my shortcomings as a parent.

Surely with all that painstaking, behind-the-scenes warfare would shove my rebellious child back into right-standing and change them back into compliant, respectful, unselfish, giving, loving, kind, compassionate human beings. Is that too much to ask?

The truth of the matter is that is too much to ask, and too much to expect from human beings who have only experienced a few short years on this earth.

After all, most of us are much older and wiser now, and we still don't get it right most of the time. We were all born into a sinful world where self-centered and rebellious attitudes start at an early age. From the moment a toddler discovers something they want, they have no regard for whom the rightful owner is. They want and they want it now! They don't care what it is, if it is good for them, or if it belongs to someone else. If they want it, they intend to get it or throw a fit when told, "no."

I have often threatened my rebellious and disrespectful child that if they "don't straighten up, I'm gonna send you back to Jesus and let Him deal with you!" That's a nice way of saying, "I'm gonna send you to your grave," speaking metaphorically, of course. Or as Bill Cosby used to say, "I brought you into this world, and I'm going to take you out, if you don't straighten up."

Human behavior hasn't changed much from childhood to adulthood. For the most part, we still care more about me, myself, and I than we do for others. At the end of the day our self-preservation, and that of our family, is more important than the stranger or acquaintances we encounter. Granted, we like to think we are caring, generous, and positive influencers in our jobs, communities, and society in general, but let someone cut you off in traffic, or irritate you at the airport, and the small amount of godliness we possess goes right out the window when that rebellious spirit takes over!

I had a divine revelation during my own self-evaluation as a parent, wondering and praying for God to intervene in my own children's lives, and help them do better. God reminded me of a message a dear friend told me. "If God's own children rebelled, what makes you think yours won't?"

That hit me like a ton of bricks! God is the perfect parent. He doesn't have mood swings. He is the ideal Father who loves us despite our rebellious attitudes, disobedient actions, negative thoughts, and lack of compliance. He extends grace and mercy far more than we deserve. Sometimes, He offers tough love and a firm hand when we get too far out of line, but it's always for our own protection and redirection.

This is the example in which we should live with our children. They're going to rebel! They're going to be disobedient, disrespectful, and downright hateful to the point every last nerve in your body is going to be tested and tried. But, at the end of the day, the laws and boundaries we set are not going to be what keeps them close.

Tullian Tchividjian, the grandson of the late Billy and Ruth Graham, recently shared a story about his rebellious teen years. And I wanted to share it with you because it really ministered to me as a parent:

"My adolescent rebellion in my early teens had blossomed into a black hole of disrespect and self-centeredness consuming my entire family. My parents were well loved in our community, and their friends could see the heartache they were going through with me. I remember two separate instances of people caring enough to ask them for permission to talk with me one-on-one to see if maybe they could get through to me.

In the first instance, a friend of my parents picked me up after school, brought me to Burger King, and read me the riot act. “Shape up, man! Snap out of it.” Of course, he was 100 percent right. In fact, if he had known the full truth of what I was up to, he would have had every reason to be even harsher. But in the first five minutes of this guy talking to me, I could tell where it was going, and I just tuned out. As far as I was concerned, it was white noise. I could not wait for it to be over and for him to drop me back off at home.

This first friend was the voice of the law. He was articulating the standard that I was falling short of, and he couldn’t have been more correct. But that’s the curious thing about the law and judgment in general: it can tell us the right thing to do, but it cannot inspire us to do it. In fact, it often creates the opposite reaction than the one that is intended. It certainly did for me! I don’t blame the man in question—he was trying to do the right thing. It’s just that his methods completely backfired.

About a year and a half later, another family friend took me to lunch and said, “Listen, I know you’re going through a tough time. And I just want to tell you that I love you, I’m here for you, and I think God’s going to do great things with you. If you ever need anything, call me.” That guy—the second guy—is still a friend of mine to this day. He will forever be marked in my personal history as an example of amazing grace.

The law may expose bad behavior, but only grace can win the heart.

I was blessed to have experienced the power of grace not just from my parents but my grandparents as well.

Whenever people learn that I was kicked out of the house at sixteen, they invariably ask how my grandparents responded. What they usually mean is “How did Billy and Ruth Graham respond to actual sin in their midst?” People looked up to them, not just as spiritual leaders, but as role models for how to raise godly children and grandchildren. “Weren’t you shaming the family name?” The truth is, my grandparents never said a single word to me about getting my act together. They never pulled me aside at a family gathering and told me what I needed to do or stop doing, how I was squandering all that my parents had given me, and how my hard-hardheartedness was hurting others–especially those who loved me most. They just loved me. Unconditionally.

For example, I wore earrings back in those days. One in the left, and one in the right. It used to drive my mom nuts. Every time my grandmother—Ruth Graham—came down to visit, she would bring me a fresh set of earrings to wear! They were always funny. At Christmastime, she would bring me ornament earrings and make me put them in and take a picture. At Thanksgiving, she brought fork and knife earrings, and she took a picture. She made light of it. She would often tell me with a twinkle in her eye that I was her favorite granddaughter. She wasn’t making fun of me. She was saying to my mom, “This isn’t a big deal. He’s going to grow out of it.”

It may sound pretty trivial, but it meant the world to me. Everyone else was on my case, and instead of giving me one more thing to rebel against, my grandmother drew me in closer.

Such is the result of grace—one way love. My grandmother was gentle with me, patient, playful. And rather than it stirring up my adolescent rebellion, it brought my guard down, opening my heart to her and my family further.

Similarly, Jesus does not nag or coerce us into his fold. He woos us. One way love."

And that, my friend, is God's example of His love for us, His rebellious children. So, if we can learn one thing, today, it is that we should not expect our children to be better than we ever were or are. We must do our best to instill in them godly values by living out godly values as an example and reflection of the most perfect parent, our Father in heaven. And that means extending grace when grace is needed - even for ourselves when we feel like failures. We need to apply mercy while disciplining our children, in order to redirect their path to prevent their demise. Just as we divert our toddler's attention away from a hot oven, we often spend our time diverting our teens away from the ways of the world.

Most importantly, I like Tullian's message about God "wooing" us with one-way love. When we love our children unconditionally, even when we are disappointed by their choices, it will draw them away from the real enemy and embrace them with God's love by example.

Remember, "Train up achild in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it." - Proverbs 22:6 NKJV.